Who I Am

I don’t know anymore exactly who I am. I’ve lost a good chunk of myself to living a life for people who really don’t miss my presence. I’ve reached out in desperation to those who I believed would be my rock always-only to find the rock is no longer existent. This isn’t a pity party, it’s a very factual observation. And it hurts. It’s painful to lose something/someone you have given you’re entire heart to. Be it friendship or relationship or both. Shame on me. Live and learn. My battles will help someone else overcome theirs I choose to believe.

I do know I’m on the search to regain my identity. God did not create me to be man’s puppet. That was not His plan.

I don’t have the answers. He does. I just pray I’m listening with a humble heart.

I know these few things. I am a mother who loves her children fiercely. I’m not perfect and neither are they. I’ve apologized and asked for forgiveness. I’m sure I will again. In doing that, I’m teaching them the value of humility. It can suck sometimes, but it’s necessary.

I am in love with taking pictures of nature; of the beautiful things God has given us to see everyday. I am His flower trying to bloom. I’m desperately trying to capture gratitude for the little things.

I am an emotional mess who loves too quickly and whose heart shatters too easily. I am a loyal friend who screws up sometimes, but would never intentionally hurt someone. I am the one who wants no one to be hungry and all animals to have a home. I am easily angered at ignorance and blatant disrespect. I’m working on it. I am the people pleaser that feels like they’ve pissed everyone off to the point of dislike. I’m working on that too.

What I am is human. Not perfect, not admirable, not incredible. But I am God’s child and I’m trying to see myself as he does.

I am a victor.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

I am clay wanting to be molded into the greatness God designed me to be for His kingdom.

*pictures courtesy of me 🤗

Advertisements
Posted in anxiety, Current Posts, Daily Living, Jesus, Mental Health, Mindfullness, parenting, Thankful, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Little Thing

Sunsets are amazing. Some are probably more mesmerizing than this. But this to me is just as beautifully made as those others. It’s simple and wonderfully done by our Creator.

Just like He made us.

Posted in Current Posts, Daily Living, Mental Health, Mindfullness, parenting, Thankful | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Flashy

Practicing macro at night. Just enjoying what God has give us.

Posted in Current Posts, Daily Living, Mental Health, Mindfullness, Thankful, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Some Joy


These scenes make my heart stop. Some take my breath away. Because they are just simple. No fancy photo shopping, no scene changing color programs, and no taking out the goofs.

Not saying there’s anything wrong with that all. I just don’t have those things to use, and sometimes I think it takes away from the real. Just a personal thought.

These butterflies were on a mission. As was I. To sneak up and get a picture. It wasn’t until I got close that you could even see the smaller one. It was a feeling of excitement that I only get when I take my pictures.

See, it’s not about trying to change the point of view. It’s about experiencing the wonder of what God has given us to look at every single day. Getting super close, or the sunset, or the animals, even the yucky insects. I told a few friends it’s amazing how brave I have become because I want that close up!

I don’t yoga or exercise. (No lectures please) Instead I get lost in these moments that many people don’t even bother to take notice of anymore. That absolutely breaks my heart.

Stop and look around and really take notice. See it, smell it, feel it. All these are things some people don’t even have the privilege of experiencing. Don’t take it as nothing.

The book of Genesis talks about how God made all things. And it was good.

**all pictures taken by me 🤗

Posted in anxiety, Current Posts, Daily Living, Jesus, Mental Health, Mindfullness, Thankful, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No complaining

I do not want to be up at 6:30am on a Saturday morning. How selfish is that. I’m up to get my 9 year old ready for Junior Bible Quiz Competition. He doesn’t really want to be up either. Maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad.

So while sitting outside waiting for his ride (because I have to go to the dentist again), I felt the Holy Spirit move. And though it’s early, if I was in bed I would miss the cool breeze that’s taking away some of the humidity. I would miss seeing the clouds moving in the sky above me. I would miss hearing all the different sounds from the birds and airplanes. I would miss the snuggles from the stray cat that has adopted us. I would miss the extra time with my son.

All of these things are moments others don’t get the privilege of having. Because they don’t have children for various reasons, they don’t have the gift of hearing and being able to see, and they may be missing Jesus in their life.

So I’m not going to whine. I’m going to sit here drinking my coffee, and be grateful for every single blessing.

Posted in Current Posts, Daily Living, Jesus, Mental Health, Mindfullness, parenting, Thankful, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Water and Oil

I feel like the rooster in Moana with the coconut on its head running into the rock over and over and over and over again.

Rough night tonight as I fall apart wondering why being a stepmom has to be so hard. I’m falling apart wondering why people refuse to stand up for what’s right. Why do I get the bad guy rap when people outright refuse to communicate? How is it my responsibility to hound another adult for information that should be given freely?

I signed up to be a blended family, not a divided one. I signed up for the struggles but not the wars. I signed up to be unified with someone who I thought wanted the same thing. Instead I’ve gotten blamed, ignored, and ridiculed. And I’m the bad guy??

So tonight all I have left is prayer. Praying that my God gives me wisdom and guidance in these matters. Praying that I can remember I’m not alone, though I desperately feel so. Praying for the ability to cast my anxiety upon Him and to stop being broken and blamed for things out of my control. Praying for a feeling of freedom because I know I have done all I can, and praying the guilt I carry be banished though I am guilty of nothing but trying my best.

So yes I’m hurt and frustrated. And the sad thing is I’m not the only one in this position who goes through this. Many of us do and many us feel powerless and unsupported.

My question is how do I just let it go? How do I unsee?

Posted in anxiety, Current Posts, Daily Living, Jesus, Mental Health, Mindfullness, parenting, Thankful, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t have one

Never mind the building corner and the street light. I was taken by the clouds. Can’t really think of what I’d call them except beautiful. Not man made, but God made.

A few hours later, not too far away I saw these. The blue and the trees and the softness of the clouds. God made,not man made.

Blinding sun, variety of clouds. All these pics I took in the same town not far from one another. But so different at any given moment. I’m in awe of God’s ability to set nature in motion to provide us with this beauty. How can you not appreciate having another day to witness this?

From morning to evening we should be grateful for every moment. The moments with our loved ones, the moments at our jobs, the moments we don’t stop and breathe in.

Genesis “…and God saw that it was good.”

Posted in anxiety, Current Posts, Daily Living, Jesus, Mental Health, Mindfullness, Thankful, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment