Negative Impact

We all need our moments to vent frustration. We all take those moments to gripe and complain. Cause sometimes moments suck. And we have friends who love us enough to give us that outlet, and we gladly return the favor.

There just comes a point though where enough is enough. Here’s what happens. You try to be positive with a negative person. And then they cross that “venting” line when you realize they have nothing nice to say 97% of the time.

I.T doesn’t have to be big things, but little things ALL day long. Every single day. From the weather, to the ethnicity of the driver they think is going to slow, or the construction crew working ALL the time and traffic is awful. And in and on and on. ALL day EVERY Day. Redundant it becomes, but then you start to change with it.

You find yourself annoyed, then you just can’t stand them. And you’re attitude and spirit becomes similar to their. Ewwwwwww🤢

And we’re now just as grouchy and miserable as them. We’ve let their nastiness become our own.

That my friends is the exact opposite of what God wants us to do.

Surround yourself with those that will not pull you into the depths of misery. Fight it. And when you see that it’s getting the best of you, walk aaway and pray Don’t quit.

I have found myself recently frequently in that position of wanting to quit. I’m physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. And somewhere deep inside the Holy Spirit reminds me that’s exactly what Satan wants. And I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me.

I know what is right, and I’m learning that I may just be suffering through this storm to be someone else’s anchor. There is a plan. Faith please keep me floating because I can feel myself fighting. And some days I’m not sure which battle is winning. Or rather I know which battle I want to win, I just don’t see the courage God sees to continue.

So praying to keep from drowning, and a stronger faith to believe that in His time, not mine, all will be revealed.

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Engage the Show

The lights as usual, did not disappoint. I see them a little differently each year. But this time I saw the sadness. My own and it was impossible to hide completely. I felt like the landscape absorbed it, replaying it as we rolled along the dirt roads.

I tried to play my part, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t fake anymore smiles, hide anymore disgust, and I barely made it through without the tears. Although they surfaced many times as the anxiety flushed me cheeks. My oldest son could feel something was off, just didn’t know exactly what.

I think part of my was saying its goodbyes. Attempting to soak it all in one last time. I couldn’t promise my kids that we would be back next year.

Traditions become hollow and empty when the love for those who made it more special has changed. When you can no longer pretend that everything is ok. When the lie is there the whole time cloaked as someone who truly does not exist.

Even the pictures I see in a new way. Like memories of the future.

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Just Is

Nothing extraordinary here…unless you look at the wonderful sunset I walked out to see yesterday evening. No filters, no cropping, just God’s glorious beauty and creation. No pressures, demands, time restraints, schedules, arguments, or deadlines.

Just a split second to take in and capture this memory. There is something to be thankful for everyday. Sometimes the things that “just are” fill that spot at just the right moment.

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Unlimited Memories

My phone rang in the middle of the day today. As soon as I saw the name I Knew. I almost didn’t answer but that would have been nothing short of selfishness. In truth, it was denial. No answer, no bad news.

My grandmother has always come across strong. And in this phone call, as I could hear her voice trying not to waver, in that strength she gave me the news about my grandfather. He is suffering no more as of yesterday afternoon.

I’m sure there will be a part two of this story as I sort through the roller coaster emotions. He was my last living grandpa. He took me camping when I was little up in the Colorado mountains. He scolded me at 16 for making a poor decision. But what I remember is that he’s always been kinda behind the scenes in my memories. My grandma is front and center. I don’t say that in a negative manner at all. They went through so much together and not once can I recall them raising their voices to one another. He cherished her like Christ loved the church. My grandparents on my moms side were the same. Four of the most solid people in my life are now only one.

I know this seems to be bouncing everywhere. Not too uncommon for me, but maybe more so than normal. I’m grasping because the reality hurts. The blessing is that he’s not in anymore pain, but my mind races to my grandma and her well being.

I can’t think straight now, but will come back. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Love you Grandpa.

*in loving memory of Dan Taylor

*photo courtesy of my Uncle Bruce

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I’m no Wonder Woman (unless I’m wondering why I walked into a room), I’m not Doc McStuffins (although I can sew buttons and eyes and tails back on), but in my children’s eyes I appear to be fearless, (though they have seen me jump and scream at particular bugs🤦🏼‍♀️).

Tonight as I was reading to my daughter about Queen Esther, she piped right in;

HER: Mom, you are brave just like Queen Esther.

ME: (confused) How so?

HER: You keep me safe and you are not afraid of the devil.

WOW! She doesn’t know that I’m just a mom doing the best I can every single day. She doesn’t know that not only have I not saved an entire nation of people, but that I question myself all the time. She doesn’t know how hard I pray over her and her siblings for God to give me wisdom. She doesn’t know how hard I ask God to forgive me for all the things I mess up on a daily basis. She doesn’t know my fears, and neither do her siblings. She doesn’t know that many times I question why God thinks I’m strong enough to be their mother.

AND neither she nor her siblings need ever know that those questions plague me (they will once they become parents).

Regardless of what I think on this human perspective, God says I am worthy. God says He wants me to be their mother. God put me in charge of raising them to help further His kingdom. So while I don’t understand, my children see in me something God sees but I can’t grasp….that I am their Hero. I’m their mom, friend, disciplinarian, diary, counselor, forgiver, their biggest advocate.

And I could not do this without God teaching me by His example, grace, humility, and forgiveness, and storms. So while I look like a mom (middle aged belly, dark circles, flapping thighs-it’s all there) they see something beautiful. So maybe it’s time to start trying to see myself not just how they do, but how my Creator does.

Psalm 56:11 “I trust in God. I will not be afraid.”

Proverbs 31:25-31

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 26 When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. 27 She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. 28 Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: 29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. 31 Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

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Great Ideas That Are Not Mine

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My view

You may not see what I see. This absolutely takes my breath away. It’s just naturally how it should be.

And God loves this cause He made This. All glory. All Him.

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