Broken Spine

Twisted, cracked, broken from its stem. Its backbone is gone. It hauled seeds to reproduce only to be trashed and left behind.

And I feel like that right now. I feel like I was used to haul the demons and horrors of others because they could not carry them themselves. And it’s not just my back that’s broken. My spirit and my soul are in pieces. I’m struggling enough to haul my own issues and character flaws.

And I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that Jesus was sacrificed to haul our fleshly sins. Im choking on my own, aspirating on someone else’s…but he died for everyone’s.

I’m in a cesspool of confusion and anguish. And it doesn’t even come close to what my Savior did for me. Shouldn’t I be willing to haul the weight of the world for him?

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More Than Description

I’m not one for the cold . Every now and then I suck it up so I can take a picture of something I deem worthy and beautiful.

Frozen in a change of seasons, the flowers are staying strong. Their bodies are in tact. I see them fighting for their place, even though it’s like they’re stuck in time.

Trying to grow, but have become frigid. Cold and dark. Yearning to shine warmth, but remaining hard and dormant.

I think I see these things because I see it where I am right now in my life. In my season. I am frigid and hard. I’ve let circumstances and people’s choices change, almost to the core, who I am.

I’ve allowed my softness to be encased in a shell of defensiveness and anger. It keeps me safe and I don’t have to make myself vulnerable to anyone’s ugliness and criticisms. I’m perfectly capable of critiquing my own character flaws, thank you very much.

So why does The Holy Spirit keep poking me, trying to talk me into dropping the armor that is so heavy for me to carry? Why should I put myself in such a possible hurtful situation?

It’s not mine to carry. But I have so much fear. And fear has temporarily overcome my ability to love like Jesus tells me to. I’m in a valley where I feel like only time will help me set these pieces of armor down. Only seeing proof that things will change is my wall. My faith is weak in my situation. Yet I pray still. I pray and pray and pray. I’m praying to see and hear and love like Him.

My being frigid is a spiritual battle. While an earthly situation has occurred, I am wounded in every sense of the word. My flesh and Spirit are at odds. And I am stuck.

And I hate it.

Isaiah 33:2

“Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.”

Isaiah 40:29

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

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To Smile

My dad is my hero. And he carries the same title to my two boys and my daughter. This moment not only made me smile, but captured a moment of love and blessings. It’s one of my new favorites.

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Press Pause

Gotta love when the dishwasher breaks…but in the same breath I’m thankful to even have the opportunity to have one. And I’m grateful to have a dad happy to help, and it’s a bonus to see my kids helping him.

I almost don’t want it fixed tonight. I like seeing these moments. I like catching them. Memories and moments.

And sibling love is a bonus. Family is everything to me.

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via Whew

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Today was the day to celebrate the resurrection of our savior, Jesus Christ. And so we did, kinda sorta.

But I somehow feel like I ripped him of his honor. There were moments of anger, hurt, and tears were shed. And not all of those were for him.

So Lord, I ask you to forgive my selfishness. This day is not about me, but about your son conquering the grave. Not us planning dinner for tomorrow.

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Speaking Of..

I really don’t mind foggy mornings. Unless I’m driving in them. Surrounded by people who don’t have their headlights on. I think that warrants a ticket. Safety first people.

Personally, I sent this picture I took to a friend a told her, ” this is my brain on fog.” And I mean it in every sense of the word. The Daily Post gives a word daily to write about. Yesterday the word was frantic. Today the word is betrayed. Ummm yep it’s time to write.

The last few days have been one of a personal fog. Of drowning in every negative emotion available. Specifically betrayal and anger. As you can guess, anger is the secondary emotion and result of. And in my full transparency I am struggling in my flesh.

Every time I think I have some clarity, another realization comes about. And my heart hurts so bad I want to vomit.

So then in perfect timing, the Holy Spirit reveals something for me to work on. Because on this day, because of an unbelievable betrayal, an innocent man was sacrificed, murdered, for human transgressions. For my sins and your sins and for those of the most horrendous crimes. And then in those last moments, he asked that forgiveness be given to those who harmed him out of ignorance. And I still can’t wrap my brain around it. Never will most likely.

I’m not there yet. I won’t lie. I can only imagine that in the prayer garden, Jesus was a tad frantic. He knew the betrayal was coming. I knew it was there. I just couldn’t see when it was going to kill me.

I know I have to work on my heart and Spirit now more than ever. It’s the least I can do to honor the innocent blood shed for human sin and betrayal. I’m desperately seeking the supernatural ability to give grace. The grace God gives me.

This battle for me is real time. The battle for eternity has overcome betrayal. Hope. It’s the only straw I can grasp.

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