Oh. My. Gravy. I was doing so good. I’ve been calmer, responding better to everyone, especially my kids. Especially my ADHD kid. I’m working really hard on being the parent they need me to be. I’m working really hard to heal myself for a them.
Yesterday I blew it with my spouse. Not because I didn’t have a point. But because my response to his poor words was not cool. I tried. I promise I did my best. But see, our spouse has a way of pushing “those” buttons. And I felt like mine took a wrecking ball to push mine, and I felt the need to grab an atomic bomb. And I have got to stop. It does no good, my point doesn’t get made, and we’re back to WW425. Longer story short, he said sorry for starting it, I said sorry for responding like a fireball straight from hell. In the end it was from an assumption-from lack of confirmation in the beginning of the conversation. We both were stupid.
Today, I had had it with my son’s emotional responses. I let what I’ve learned in dealing with him and his ADHD and his impulsive responses go straight down the toilet. So he wanted noodles. His brother and friend made noodles. There wasn’t enough. More had to be made. My son got upset. My oldest gave him his bowl. I took it back and told my son he could wait for the other food to be ready. So he stomped off, throwing (he said tossing) his phone across the living room. Fortunately it landed on the couch. But it could have been the wall, the floor, who knows.
Mama crumbled. I told him he was grounded, the phone was gone, and I was just done. Yeah-no brownie points for me. *really big sigh*
Now, in about ten minutes or so, I was able to sit him down and calmly tell him I was sorry, and explain what part of his behavior was not ok. Yes we can be angry/frustrated. No, we can’t throw things. All was well again.
But I can’t help feeling like a total human failure. My heart is heavy. At the same time, I know that while I initially bombed I came back to do it right. And God has already forgiven me and He’s moved on. Which is what I need to do. I know that I must lean on God in these moments. I must stop and remember his words of instructions.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little alarm that goes off right before we blow it? A little flashing sign with a scripture to bring us back? Oh wait-I’m human. Thank you God for your never ending mercy.